Knock, knock...

Yes, somebody still lives here.. :)

So, I'm not sure why it seems so difficult to keep up this whole blogging thing. But there definitely seems to be a direct correlation to blogging, logging my stuff in My Fitness Pal, and staying on track. I'm trying to get back on the wagon.

I've been lurking on some of my bandster blogs and I've found that all of your successes are speaking to my inner competitor. It isn't that I'm not excited about your losses and NSVs, but it's woken me up from maintenance mode and put me back onto the path of wanting to lose some more weight.

As of yesterday morning, I'm at 40 pounds. Holy crap. That's 8 bags of sugar. That's an entire dog. Or child. CRAAAAZY. But I still have 80 pounds to go. And they're not going to come off magically without me doing some work.

I have a confession to make.. I've got an Xbox Kinect that I purchased as a "Merry Christmas to ME" gift last November. Now ask me how many times I've used it. Yesterday, I was feeling lethargic and cranky and basically overcome by PMS hormones and the frustration associated with dating. Rather than take a nap, I decided I was going to play one of my Kinect games.. and I found myself having SO much fun in the process that I played for over an hour. Yesterday was Kinect Adventures which required side lunges and jumps, vertical jumps, running forward and backwards.. lots of moves associated with *cough* EXERCISE and activity. I was actually even a little sore when I got up this morning. This is good. Now when I'm feeling lazy and unmotivated to workout, I know I have a good fallback. Today, it's going to be Kinect Sports, and Friday, I think it will be Dance Party 3.

So I'm asking a huge favor.. when you guys find yourself getting into a rut, how do you shake yourself out of it? I'm embarassed to admit that other people's successes seems to be motivating me out of my own.. but I'd certainly welcome some other input.

Have a good Tuesday, peeps! <3

The countdown starts..

Happy Monday!! So Holy crap... my 20th high school reunion is just under three weeks away. And while there's no possible way I could reach the weight I was for all of six months of my senior year (thank you, nutrisystem!) I'm still aiming to get as low as I can. Isn't that what everyone does for reunions?!?

I'm just frustrated because (of course) I'd like things to be moving a little more quickly. With my PCOS and the inability to take my glucophage, I feel like my body is daily telling me, "you're number one!" - and not in a good way. And while many of us got here by engaging in fad diets and short-term insanity, I think I might be needing to engage in a little short-term insanity.

I've read about people rebooting when they hit a plateau and are trying to push through, so returning to pre-op diet mode shouldn't be TOO insane.. right?

How have YOU rebooted when you needed to shake things up a bit?

Let's try this again...

Ok, so my last blogging experiment didn't go so well. I started having some frustration and anxiety with life on this side of  my surgery. And then work got crazy. And then life got crazy. And I've been AWOL from message boards and blogs and from my food tracker which makes me antsy. Even so, I've been trying to keep one foot in front of the other - literally. Surprisingly, though my food choices haven't been overly fantastic 24/7, I'm still staying active. Hooray for that.

I'm way overdue for my second fill and my work schedule has not allowed for it. In the meantime, I'm crazy hungry most of the time, even with adequate water and protein intake. I seriously need to get in for a fill and I don't know when  that's going to happen. Does anyone have suggestions on how to deal with the hunger in the meantime? I know about filling up with water, fiber and protein.. but outside of that? Ideas please?

On the happy side of things, I'm hovering between a loss of 38-39lbs. I don't remember the last time I've managed to get off such a large chunk of weight. So I've got THAT going for me.

What's new with you guys?? Fill me in and keep me informed :)

Wednesday Workouts

Well, it's practically Thursday, but I'm sticking to the plan. If it's Wednesday, it's time to talk about working out. I think we can all agree that exercise is a major key to success, whatever your definition of success might be.

Since I'm about 2 months post-op now, my goal is to be regularly active, tone up, and keep my metabolism in overdrive.

Currently, my routine consists of a 35-58 minute walk 4-5 days/week. I use a fitbit to keep track of my steps taken, miles walked and calories burned. It's fantabulous.

But even with that routine, I've been stuck at the 31-33lb zone. Hello, plateau! I've realized the answer to this situation lies in one simple word - routine. I won't say I'm stuck in a rut, but I do think my body has gotten too comfortable.

I've been trying to brainstorm and come up with other forms of exercise that might drive my body out of stubborn mode. What are you guys doing to stay active? Do you find yourself in a set routine or do you constantly change things up?

Enlighten me! :)

Encouragement.

A friend of mine posted a link to this blog tonight and I was moved and inspired. I think we all could probably benefit from reading, re-reading and then reading this post yet one more time.

Here's the link :)

You're welcome.

Tuesday Tunes

Okay.. I've decided I needed some sort of structure around here to kinda keep me on task. I've been slacking in the blogging and food-tracking department, so maybe this will help with my accountability.

To start things off, let's talk tunes. Music and songs can do SO much for a person. They can motivate you to take another 1500 steps. They can make you feel like dancing.. or crying.. or laughing.. or help you process anger. Remind you of someone special. Remind you of a really great night. You're getting the picture, I hope. Maybe you're even nodding in agreement. Or maybe shaking your head in disagreement. I'm good with that. We're going to be discussing all types of music and creating all types of lists. Hopefully we can discover some new music in the process and learn more about each other.

Today's Tuesday tunes assignment... tell me 5 songs that are currently motivating you on your workout/walk/activity sessions. I'll go first.

1. Bigger Than My Body - John Mayer
2. Shake It Off - Florence + the Machine
3. Miss You - Foster the People
4. Firework - Katy Perry
5. My Body - Young the Giant

What are yours? Readysetgo!





P.S. Here's a sneak peek of what's to come.... and of course they're subject to change.

• Monday Moodiness (get your negative self-talk or crankies off your chest)
• Wednesday Workouts (tell me what you've been doing or are working towards)
• Thursday Thoughts (we'll discuss movies, tv shows, books, quotes, etc)
• Friday Five (random questions)
• Saturday Silliness (need I say more??)
• Sunday Stats (let's weigh in!)

To date or not to date.. that is the question.

Thank you, Mister Shakespeare. I'm blatantly stealing from your Hamlet soliloquy. Now I think we all are probably at least somewhat familiar with that scene in Hamlet. The one where he's weighing it all out.. and thinking that it feels better to just give in and kill himself - rather than to keep pressing on.

Don't panic. I'm not talking about suicide. Not in the literal sense. But in terms of dating. Confused? Just wait till I get going.. ;)

So I've got a confession to make. And perhaps your story will sound a bit like my own. I didn't have my first REAL boyfriend until I was 27. I didn't date in high school. I didn't have any undergrad love affairs or hookups. Well maybe there was one or two. But they weren't necessarily good situations. But essentially, I am and have been pretty clueless when it comes to relationships.. maybe moreso than the average girl. I'm most definitely a late bloomer. I fell in love with my (unbeknownst to me) gay best friend and for 2 happy years, I thought we were dating. Imagine my shock and dismay when I discovered "happy pictures" on my computer. That's an entirely different therapy session.

So my first boyfriend. Ben. I seriously thought he was the one. That's how naive I was. My first real boyfriend... thinking he was the one. How cliche. He broke up with me 3 months into the relationship because I wouldn't sleep with him. Whatevs... I moved on. I had some wild oats to sow. And this is how I became a player. Oh yes. Little old inexperienced me. I juggled 6-7 guys at any given time. Not that hanky panky was going on with all of them... but I had a date whenever I wanted - and I wanted a date 7 nights a week. I did this for 2 years and finally decided I was too exhausted to keep that up.

Fast forward to nursing school.. I dated a few guys, but it still wasn't working. One of these guys became a stalker. For a YEAR. Cuckoo crazy, my friends. Perhaps we both were. When I broke up with him, his response was to start crying, hyperventilating, and clinging to my leg. I cannot make this stuff up.

I moved back into player mode. It felt safer. All the while, I was struggling with my weight. And my self image. See?? I really did have a point. So my self image. Funny thing about having a date anytime you want is that it feeds the ego - but not necessarily the soul. I was continuously giving of myself and really getting nothing back in return. For me, it was an "acceptable" form of self-destructive behavior. No one even questioned it. Knowing that these guys were not long-term material, I could just blame things on my weight or my appearance when it didn't work out. Freud would have a field day.

As years went by, I started gaining some wisdom. And I had my epiphany. I was only attracting guys who were as emotionally healthy as I was... and I was essentially scraping the bottom of the barrel. And I realized that if given the chance, I probably wouldn't date me either. So I did the necessary emotional overhauls.. which took some SERIOUS work. And moved along with my life. But my outside still didn't match my inside. And I was still attracting the wrong kind of guy. Most of the guys who were interested in me were couch potatoes and emotional eaters with baggage that rivaled Kate Winslet's in Titanic. NOT the kind of guy I'm looking for.

Which leads me to my dilemma. I ended a serious long-term relationship last April with a man I probably would have married. But he just wasn't the right one for me. I would have been settling - and sadly, we both knew it. So now I'm 38.. single.. kidless.. and SO ready to settle down. In my group of close girl friends, I am the only one who isn't engaged, married or at least a single mom. (Yeah, I know... the grass is always greener...)

I've done a lot of the emotional legwork, although I feel like that's a daily process. And I've had my surgery, lost some weight, gotten some really good habits in place. I feel like I am a fantastic catch, but most guys aren't looking past the physical to see who I really am.

Will dating/attracting quality men become more of a viable option once I get more weight off and can be even more active than I currently am? Or will it be the same old crap? Do I give up on dating and wait until I'm a more "attractive" version of me? Do I "get thee to a nunnery" and forget about settling down altogether? Or do I just keep swimming... inquiring minds want to know.

Full moons and Mondays...

Do you ever have that feeling of having your finger stuck in an electric socket?? Yep, that's a pretty good description of today. Thankfully, my initial instinct is "OMG I need to go workout!!!" instead of "OMG I need some chocolate!!!" - and actually, after eating a piece of dark chocolate earlier, I threw away an $8 bar of fancy dark chocolate because I didn't trust myself to stop. But the walk through the neighborhood? Oh THAT is SO on...

And honestly... if you'd told me even a month ago that I'd get back to that mindset where I start getting itchy, twitchy and witchy when I miss a day of activity, I'd tell you to take some crazy pills. But unbelievably, all my weeks of taking my furbaby for a walk have turned into a habit.

I think there are multiple reasons to blame for this antsiness. I'm pinning a little bit on the full moon and today being a Monday in every sense of the word.. but I'm also pinning some of this on hormones. PLEASE tell me I'm not the only bander who has had issues with Aunt Flo since having the surgery. That's just not statistically possible. But good grief... over the last 6 months, they've gotten further and further apart. I'm so not okay with this. I get all the fun of the mood swings and the cramps and feeling like I need to devour everything in sight but no payoff. Again. SO not okay with this. I'm hoping that my hormones will eventually stabilize, but I'm about 2 days late for the start date projected by my period tracker. Things at work are a mess. Things in my dating world are a mess, but that's another blog altogether. And because I cannot fall back into old habits, I think I'm feeling all the external stress a bit more.

So while rainy days and Mondays might have gotten Karen Carpenter down... for me, it's full moons, Mondays, periods that are AWOL, stupid boys, stupid jobs (that I'm happy to have!! i acknowledge my blessings!), and the inability to go back to bad eating habits that are bringing me down.

Thank goodness for the wisdom of Anne Shirley... rather than wallow, I think I'll take some pointers from her.

“Life is worth living as long as there's a laugh in it.” 
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

“It's been my experience that you can nearly always enjoy things if you make up your mind firmly that you will.” 
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

“Dear old world', she murmured, 'you are very lovely, and I am glad to be alive in you.” 
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?" 
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

Just keep swimming...

A HUUUUUGE heartfelt thank you to Lap Band Gal for my shout out. And to those of you who wandered over this way to say hi and check things out. In all fairness, I should warn you - that way you have a chance to run now ;) I'm quirky, a little OCD, a little neurotic, a little opinionated, a little outspoken and a lot sassy. In other words, I'm a southern woman. Things might get hairy around here.

Now.. let's talk about journeys. There are many ways to reach a destination. There's running, crawling, sprinting, walking, swimming, biking, driving... even by map, if you ask the Muppets. For me, while I was doing all the leg work to make my insurance happy, I kept thinking how slo..o...ooo...ooooow (painfully, even) the process seemed. I thought I'd never get "there" - wherever there was.

Then I got approved by insurance, and I set my surgery date and set my pre-op diet start diet. And those two weeks were both the longest and shortest of my life. And I kept wondering when I'd get "there". And I dropped SO much weight so quickly on that pre-op diet. I'm sure a good hunk of it was water, but hey.. 15lbs is 15lbs. And then I had my surgery, and I was transitioning through the different types of food textures.

And then I started having mood swings. People reassured me that mood swings were normal. Between hormonal shifts and general anesthesia and low calorie intake and poor sleep and all the changes my body had gone through, mood swings were somewhat expected. But then one of my friends made an excellent point.. and it was one I hadn't actually considered. I'd put so much energy and emotion into trying to get "there" - that I didn't realize I'd arrived at my destination. I was on the other side of the mountain. I guess I was expecting bells and whistles and fanfare and some big waving sign. Maybe even a GPS voice telling me "you have arrived at your destination." Instead, it was more a big vast grey area of uncertainty and itchiness to do SOMEthing.

Everything leading up to surgery has a fixed point. A definite goal. A true destination. So you do all the leg work and mark all the items off your "to do" list and you do whatever you have to do to get you to your surgery date. But on the other side, once you've made the transition from clears to fulls to mushies to real food, then what? I mean, sure. We ALL have the goal of reaching a certain weight. That's the whole reason we got this stinkin' surgery in the first place, right? But, really... the target weight, at least for me, is sorta arbitrary. It's just a number.

On the other side of the mountain, I see my destination. It's a fixed point on the horizon. It's a state of health. It's that place where I get to run (not walk) 5Ks and 10Ks and half-marathons. It's that place where I get to go hiking without turning 50 different shades of red and white. It's that place where I get to buy panties at Victoria's Secret if I want to. It's that place where I won't be as stressed out about potential complications when and if I ever get pregnant. It's that place where I jump out of a perfectly good airplane just because I can. Yes, it's a fixed point.. but the horizon is a little tricky. It's an infinite distance. Even when you think you're closing the gap, it's still just a little bit further. And a little bit further. And a little bit further.

When I had THAT realization, I felt a little bit like Dory from Finding Nemo. My job now is to just keep swimming. Reading some of your blogs, I really do realize that this whole process IS just that. It's a process. Every day is a new day. Every day will be filled with its own challenges. Even when I reach my goal weight, I'll still be walking the walk every day afterwards. Some days will be better than others. Just keep swimming. I might gain back a pound or two or five. Just keep swimming. I might lose a little more than my goal weight. Just keep swimming. I might have complications down the road. My port might flip. I might have too much restriction. I might need a revision. Just keep swimming. It's both exhilarating and terrifying to realize my point on the horizon is essentially an imaginary spot.

But everytime I think about my destination, I realize the true adventure lies in the journey.. and right now?? There's nowhere I'd rather be.

How Did I Get Here?

So... if I'm going to start talking about my present, I suppose I should start with a little bit of my past.

I'm pretty sure that most people don't wake up with a wild hair and decide to just go out and get WLS. I mean, maybe there are a few... but typically, it takes some thought and some research and years of frustration to get to that point.

For me, it's been 6yrs worth of investigating and more than 20yrs of fighting with my weight. And I do mean fighting. I remember very vividly starting my first diet when I was 9 - and it's been on and off ever since. You name it, I've probably tried it. I've tried exercising. I've tried non-processed foods. Nothing has worked. According to my doctors, I just hit the genetic lottery. After years of struggling, I had five different doctors tell me that unless I was willing to take some drastic measures, the weight wasn't coming. That was in 2006.

I started investigating and found a surgeon I liked - but unfortunately by the time I started pursuing things, he was no longer on my insurance. I decided to take that as a sign and wait for a bit. I had two friends who had been banded around the time I started doing my research and knew I'd have a perfect opportunity for seeing all the good, bad and ugly.

Fast forward five years to 2011... I was no longer working as a bedside nurse, but instead working as an educator in IT. My two friends had lost a significant amount of weight and kept it off. And several of my new coworkers had also had some form of WLS. I decided maybe it was time again to take a step of faith and investigate the lapband again.

After a restful Labor Day weekend trip to see my best friend and her family, I knew it was time to do something about my weight. I made my consultation for the Tuesday after Labor Day and found out that my insurance would cover the surgery 100%. At that point, there was no looking back...

Fast forward again to April 11, 2012. I was banded that morning, 4 days before my birthday... which I found highly appropriate since it was the beginning of my new life.

And so it begins...

At the suggestion (and request) of many friends, I've decided to start blogging about life as a banded chick. I've been in the online journaling world for over 12 years now, but this is definitely something else entirely.

If you manage to find yourself here in my little corner of the world, I hope you'll find it entertaining and/or helpful. I'm honest, I'm blunt, I'm snarky and I'm opinionated. I'm also tender-hearted, overly sensitive, and scared to death of never settling down. In other words, I'm pretty much like every other single woman over the age of 35.

Thanks for peeking in - I look forward to sharing my journey with you.. :)

Now you should probably buckle up and hang on for dear life.. things might get a little crazy around here!